Fear and Self-Absorption

“If we have fear, we are too focused on ourselves”

On this spooky Halloween day I thought it only appropriate to write about fear.  Hopefully all of us will experience some “good” fear today that causes our blood to flow, our juices to run, and our adrenaline to kick in just a little giving us an added boost to be our best today. 

Unfortunatley, much of the fear we possess in our lives is negative.  In fact, fear can become or has become completely crippling for many people.  We become stuck in the fear rut.  Sadly, most of us view fear as something that happens to us rather than something that we can control.  I believe in many instances, fear is self-induced and is completely under our control.   

Fear is often a result of our own narcissistic nature.  When we fear, we often are too focused on ourselves.  We worry about our own self-image or well-being. And in many regards, we consciously or subconsciously hold on to fear and use it as an acceptable excuse of why we don’t do what we know we should do, behave the way we know we ought to behave, or make changes we know we must make.  Instead of doing what we can, could, and should do, we use fear as a nice security blanket that ends up gradually suffocating us throughout life. 

So to combat fear we need to stop being so self-absorbed, so selfish!   I’ve learned it is very difficult to hang on to fear when I am focused on the well-being of others.  There is something that happens to our fear when our care and concern for ourselves is swallowed up by our care and concern for others.  Rather than fearing what will happen to us, we need to think about others.  When we shift our focus, our fear will wash away…almost magically.    

So this Halloween, let us eliminate fear from our lives by focusing on others.  When we do feel fear, let’s analyze it, be honest about it, and then change our focus.  In a lot of ways we truly do have “nothing more to fear than fear itself” because fear keeps us from reaching our potential and experiencing joy in life.  Don’t let fear get in the way of becoming the best you! 

Happy and Safe Halloween to all!                 

Burntham Rewind: Success in Spite of our Greatest Enemy

Originally posted 3/29/12

“Self-deception is common and damaging, it kills leadership and causes a multitude of people problems. Self-deception actually determines one’s experience in every aspect of life.” Arbinger Institute (from Leadership and Self-Deception)

I know it is a tough pill to swallow sometimes but our greatest obstacle in life is ourselves. No matter how hard we try, or how much we blame other things for our failings, our greatest enemy is always me, myself.

The reason for this is each us has certain paradigms or beliefs that are less than true. In essence, we live in our own reality we create. We form this reality based on our experiences and what we have learned in life and on our beliefs. This reality guides our decision making and can keep us from doing what is best to help our own success. Ultimately, our actions and decisions we make determine our results in life. It is that simple. No one else has put us where we are today except ourselves.

This “false reality” can also be called self-deception. When we blame other people, circumstances or things outside of ourselves for our short-comings, we are in essence deceiving ourselves. We tell our self “stories” of why we did not succeed for many different reasons, for example to “save face” rather than looking at what really went wrong. This self-betrayal hinders our progress and keeps us from addressing our true problem which is our self. And this is the main problem with self-deception—we don’t even see that we are the problem.

When we don’t see that we are the problem we spend a life time betraying ourselves. We constantly look for others to blame and make excuses for poor results. We can never seem to overcome our true obstacle—me!

Once we understand and accept the fact that we are own greatest enemy, we can begin to change. This takes humility. Hope comes with this knowledge as well as clarity and self-assurance. When we take full ownership over our results in life and truly acknowledge that we are our own worst enemy, we can begin to progress and see results that are much better than days past.

The fact that we are our own greatest enemy may seem depressing but because of this, we are also our own greatest solution. No one can change us but ourselves and we have the power and capacity to be better and to change. Just as we are our own greatest stumbling block we also can become our own greatest boon. As we strive to be better, accept our short-comings, and avoid self-betrayal, we will be able to find success in spite of or because of our greatest enemy.

Identifying Vision

“Complaining is nothing more than an absence of vision”

There was a family that had two strong, intelligent, well-mannered, and well liked boys.  The family was wealthy and well respected in their village.  They owned a very nice home and had many beautiful possessions.  One night, while the family lay asleep, there was a big explosion and the house burst in to flames.  After much confusion and chaos, all of the family members were able to escape safely without harm however their home and all of their precious possessions were destroyed.   Without a home, the family was resigned to living in a tent.  After the terrible accident, one boy in this family immediately gave thanks to the heavens that he was still alive and while living in his tent he became forever grateful for each new day he had to live.  The other boy grumbled and complained and while living in his tent he became enraged and bitter.  The two boys circumstances were exactly the same yet their reactions to their difficulty in life led them to very different places. 

There are a lot of things we can learn from this story and the two boys however there is one lesson I’d like to emphasize today that perhaps isn’t an obvious one.  The difference between these two siblings in the story is vision.  One lacked vision while the other one had it. 

When we lack vision in life, we can know and identify it pretty easily.  For example how often do you find yourself complaining and perhaps even whining about life?  I do it all of the time.  “This traffic is horrible, I can’t believe my boss expects me to do that, why do I have to eat this healthy food it is disgusting, why is it raining outside, why won’t my child won’t behave”, etc., etc.  When I do this, I’ve come to realize that I completely lack vision because I am simply dwelling on the moment rather than seeing the future.  Having vision in our life allows us to look beyond what is right in front of us and see a better world. 

So, when we complain, we lack vision.  Bad things in life will happen to us all and with blinders on, this makes life very challenging, and difficult.   Somehow, we need to take our blinders off more often and see the big picture.  We need to lift our eyes to the sky and see the whole world around us rather than only dwell on the ground beneath our feet.  Having vision in our life allows us to overcome challenges, make good decisions that will bless our life in the future rather than at this one single moment in time, and help us to be happy.  Having vision will raise us up and help us reach our potential. 

A good example to illustrate what I am trying to share is the child who complains about doing school work.  Rather than seeing what a good education can provide for him in his life, the child just focuses on the here and now and doesn’t concern himself with his future.  If the child would raise his head and gain perspective, he would see that doing his school work now would bless his life tremendously in the future. 

Too many of us are like the child with school work.  We fail to see beyond right now and we lack the vision we need to be wise and find success in life.  We need not be like the child, we can take the blinders off and see what lays ahead for us.  We can gain vision for our life which will enable us to avoid complaining about our current circumstances as we will see that they do not define our future. 

Let’s not show others that we are people that completely lack vision by complaining all of the time. Let’s be like the first boy in the story and see our blessings rather than our difficulties and live with vision.  When we do, when we can see beyond this one moment in time, I promise we will be much more successful and happy in life. 

Burntham Rewind: Cut the Rope!

Originally posted on 6/23/11

"Our choices have the undeniable power of transforming our lives.”
Jose Teixeira

Imagine you are in a sail boat on a beautifully sunny and windy day. You pull away from shore with your sails open and the wind is blowing hard in the perfect direction. You set sail and begin cruising along very swiftly. The wind is blowing in your hair, the salty air is kissing your lips and skin, and the cool breeze keeps you at a perfect temperature on an otherwise warm sunny day. The thrill of the ride is exhilarating and relaxing. As you pull further and further away from shore you suddenly realize there is a large rope that is tied to the boat and on the other end is a giant anchor. You realize that soon the rope will become taut and you will be unable to go any further. Held back by the anchor you notice your ride will soon end and you will be unable to fully enjoy the open water and the blissful ride unless you cut the rope.

Often in our lives we are like the sailboat. We are full of potential and can do, be, and accomplish so much yet we have a rope that holds us back. For each of us our rope may be different. For some of us it may be a lack of confidence or fear, or maybe laziness, or other bad habits. Regardless of what it may be this rope limits our progress and our ability to fully enjoy the ride.

As leaders and as people we must cut the ropes that hold us back. We can’t afford to be held in place by them. We must overcome our lack of confidence, or our laziness, or fear, or whatever bad habit that may be inhibiting us from fully enjoying the open water and taking full advantage of the good winds and beautiful day. If we decide not to cut the rope, we will one day look back on our ride and realize we missed out, that we could have experienced so much more, and that the rides potential was wasted.

What are the ropes in our lives that are not allowing us to reach our potential and enjoy all life has in store for us?! We can’t hesitate, we must do it now! We must cut the rope!

Our Self-Sabotaging Nature

Recently I was made aware of a very sad situation between family members.  These family members had a disagreement and before long, the situation had escalated to a point where one asked the other never to talk to or touch her children again.  As an outsider to the situation it broke my heart and seemed so unnecessary.  I found it hard to comprehend the logic of such actions and observed the undue heartache and stress it was causing all involved.  What had started out as a disagreement grew to a serious family feud between these two families. 

As we review history, we can see other instances where even great wars were started with relatively small disagreements.  As humans, we often allow our emotions to get the best of us in difficult situations and then our pride, selfishness, and jealousy kick in and before we know it, what was a small issue is now a big disaster.

Viewing these situations and observing human nature, I firmly believe that the majority of the stress and heartache in our lives is self-induced.  And why we do this to ourselves is beyond my comprehension or expertise but even the best among us do it.  I’ve come to the conclusion that to cause self-misery or “sabotage ourselves” is to be human.  Some of us are better at recognizing and accepting this than others.  And I believe this is the first step to minimizing our self-destructive behavior.  When we are hurt, or stressed out, or entrenched in a disagreement, we need to recognize the part we play in it and take ownership for it.  We then need to try and reconcile our actions that brought us to this point and move on with a determination to do better. 

I believe so much of the hurt in the world is so avoidable.  Being aware of our self-sabotaging nature, taking ownership for it, and then trying to overcome it as often as possible will go a long way in our quest to reach our full potential and will bring greater success and happiness in life.  Let’s do allow we can to not cause ourselves so much needless pain.