Important Memo!

A good laugh is always good. This is one of my favorites...

MEMO from Management

NEW OFFICE POLICY EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

We have a new office policy in place, please read this then turn in your acknowledgment form to HR when you are finished.

Pay Raise Policy:

Each employee is entitled to an annual evaluation and pay raise however the following exception will apply:

1. If you come to work dressed too nicely, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

2. If you dress poorly, we will assume you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

3. If you dress just right, we will assume you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Vacation Days:

All employees will be given 5 vacation days a year. In an effort to coordinate schedules and allow employees to plan their vacation time the same days each year will be offered as vacation time to all employees. Thus, each employee is allowed the following 5 vacation days: Jan. 1st, July 4th, The 1st Monday in September, The 4th Thursday of November, and Dec. 25th.

Absenteeism:

It is no longer acceptable to be absent from work unless you die. This is an acceptable excuse for missing work. However, you are required to provide two weeks’ notice as it is your responsibility to train your replacement.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon after 4pm. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 2 minute time limit allowed in the restrooms. At the end of 2 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

• Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

• Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

• Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Smoke Breaks:

Each employee will be allowed 2 smoke breaks each day at work. The 1st must be taken at 7:45 before you clock-in and the 2nd must be taken at 5pm after you employee clock-out.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive work experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.