Fear of Conflict

One of those things that many of us avoid most in life is conflict.  For whatever reason, many of us are just wired to dread it.  We alter our behavior, change our routines, eliminate who we associate with, and take a long list of other extreme measures to avoid it.  This fear of conflict can be so severe that it can cause a loss of sleep or appetite because of the worry and stress it creates for us.  I know this because I have been there before.  I have learned however that healthy conflict often strengthens relationships and pushes us to reach our potential. Therefore, with the right approach, we must learn to confront our fear of conflict rather than run from it.

In order for conflict to go well, and for us to maximize its benefits and minimize its potential harm, I believe we must do the following.

First, we must be completely honest in expressing ourselves. This can be difficult, especially when we notice others may be becoming angry, offended, or upset.  Not getting everything out on the table though increases the chances for a poor resolution and poor results.  If we hold it in, the more likely we will hold a grudge or not feel validated.  Completely expressing ourselves, our views, opinions, feelings, etc. will lead to better resolutions and minimize the need for conflict again in the future.  Under the right circumstances, we must have the courage to share “it all” so that we can come away with the best outcome.        

Second, we must ensure we are saying things for the right reasons. Is what we are saying out of spite, or anger?  Are our words based purely on emotions or the heat of the moment?  If we notice the person we are speaking to is getting upset do we begin to get upset ourselves? Our intentions must be pure and what we are saying must be because of love or concern for the other person.  We should try to share facts about our feelings and avoid emotional responses that are not really true to the way we actually feel or believe.  Seeing the other person as a person, and trying to create a win-win situation will help our conflict go well.       

Third, we must be prepared to listen without getting offended ourselves. What the other person may say may be out of spite or anger so it is important going in to a conflicted situation that we understand this.  We should not become easily offended or angry ourselves, even if the person says things that are offensive.  Rather we should listen for what they are truly trying to express and try to understand why they may be upset.  Having an open mind and being patient while listening will do a lot of good in coming to a resolution.  There have been plenty of situations in my life where simply listening “saved the day” and quickly resolved a conflict.   

As we face our fear of conflict, we will find better success and outcomes in life. This does not mean all difficult conflicts will always end well but the net result of facing conflict will be much better than trying to avoid it for the rest of our lives.  Again, relationships become strengthened through healthy conflict and healthy conflict builds us.  Let’s approach conflict the right way and use it to our advantage.    

Resolution to Succeed

“Always bear in mind, that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other thing.” Abraham Lincoln 

Abraham Lincoln happened to be a pretty great leader and his quote is simple and to the point.  Nothing is more important to our personal success than our own resolution to be successful.  Lincoln demonstrated this throughout his life.  He didn’t give up, he didn’t give in, he didn’t listen to what his critics had to say.  Instead he had the personal resolve to succeed…no matter what. 

Our success in life is largely determined by our resolution to be successful.  If we refuse to give up, then we refuse not to win.  When we develop this type of attitude and conviction we will find success in life, it is inevitable.

Too often in life, I see people give up or give in too easily.  They claim they really want something in life but when the going gets tough, they move on.  It is as if they believe things will magically fall in to their lap or will simply be handed to them without work, challenges, or struggles.  Unfortunately, for the most part, the real world isn’t like this.  The real world rewards the persistent, those who have their “own resolution to succeed”, no matter what comes their way.     

I hope that we can have the resolve that Lincoln demonstrated throughout his life.  When we are determined and completely committed to success, no matter what, we will not fail.   

Impacting Others for Good

Throughout life we are presented with singular chances or moments to tremendously impact others if we would only take the right action.  During these moments, the choice often requires us to do something out of our comfort zone, take time away from what we need or would like to do, or forces us to make some kind of personal sacrifice.  Unfortunately, I think more often than not, when we are presented with these moments, we often do not choose wisely.  Perhaps this is why making the right choice has such a profound impact on others and changes their feelings toward us for good.  I call these singular opportunities Moments of Truth.  If what I am saying is unclear, let me explain through some examples.

Example #1

A stressed out supervisor sees an employee who has been working very hard on a project and seems frustrated and exhausted.  The supervisor has deadlines, responsibilities, and projects of his own that seem much more important and urgent than the “little” project his employee is working on.  At the moment he sees the frustration of his team member, the supervisor has a choice.  He can choose to put his worries and assignments aside and go help his employee or he can ignore it and move on.  This is a Moment of Truth for this supervisor.  If he chooses to go help, even though he has a mountain of work himself, he will gain a tremendous amount of respect and appreciation from his employee and will greatly increase his ability to lead him in the future.  If he chooses not to, he will probably be like 99% of the other bosses the employee has had in life.       

Example #2

A neighbor sees his friend across the street is moving some new heavy furniture in to his home and could really use some help.  The “big game” he has been anticipating and waiting for all week is starting and if offers to help his friend he may miss a lot of his game.  This is a Moment of Truth.  The neighbor can ignore his friend and assume he has a plan to get in the heavy furniture, or he can take action and go over and assist probably creating a long-lasting friendship.

Example #3

A woman is running late for a meeting but notices her child must have had a very rough day at school.  Her child knows her mom has an important meeting and doesn’t expect she would ever miss it.  The woman convinces herself that she will have plenty of time to talk to her child later.  This is a Moment of Truth.  If the woman chooses to stay, she may create a lasting memory and bond with her child, if she goes, she may miss a tremendous opportunity.

These are examples of what I call Moments of Truth in life.  Each of us is faced with them all of the time.  Sometimes they are easy to recognize but often in the busyness of life they are not.  Though it may be impossible to “cease the moment” every time, if we can do it more often than not, our success and satisfaction in life as well as our ability to influence others will greatly increase.  Start looking today for them, slow down and recognize them, and when you do, make the choice that will allow you to positively connect and influence others for good.  Do it even when it may seem like it is not the logical or most convenient choice at the time.  Those who capitalize on these moments of truth will become great leaders and great people.