Fear of Conflict

One of those things that many of us avoid most in life is conflict.  For whatever reason, many of us are just wired to dread it.  We alter our behavior, change our routines, eliminate who we associate with, and take a long list of other extreme measures to avoid it.  This fear of conflict can be so severe that it can cause a loss of sleep or appetite because of the worry and stress it creates for us.  I know this because I have been there before.  I have learned however that healthy conflict often strengthens relationships and pushes us to reach our potential. Therefore, with the right approach, we must learn to confront our fear of conflict rather than run from it.

In order for conflict to go well, and for us to maximize its benefits and minimize its potential harm, I believe we must do the following.

First, we must be completely honest in expressing ourselves. This can be difficult, especially when we notice others may be becoming angry, offended, or upset.  Not getting everything out on the table though increases the chances for a poor resolution and poor results.  If we hold it in, the more likely we will hold a grudge or not feel validated.  Completely expressing ourselves, our views, opinions, feelings, etc. will lead to better resolutions and minimize the need for conflict again in the future.  Under the right circumstances, we must have the courage to share “it all” so that we can come away with the best outcome.        

Second, we must ensure we are saying things for the right reasons. Is what we are saying out of spite, or anger?  Are our words based purely on emotions or the heat of the moment?  If we notice the person we are speaking to is getting upset do we begin to get upset ourselves? Our intentions must be pure and what we are saying must be because of love or concern for the other person.  We should try to share facts about our feelings and avoid emotional responses that are not really true to the way we actually feel or believe.  Seeing the other person as a person, and trying to create a win-win situation will help our conflict go well.       

Third, we must be prepared to listen without getting offended ourselves. What the other person may say may be out of spite or anger so it is important going in to a conflicted situation that we understand this.  We should not become easily offended or angry ourselves, even if the person says things that are offensive.  Rather we should listen for what they are truly trying to express and try to understand why they may be upset.  Having an open mind and being patient while listening will do a lot of good in coming to a resolution.  There have been plenty of situations in my life where simply listening “saved the day” and quickly resolved a conflict.   

As we face our fear of conflict, we will find better success and outcomes in life. This does not mean all difficult conflicts will always end well but the net result of facing conflict will be much better than trying to avoid it for the rest of our lives.  Again, relationships become strengthened through healthy conflict and healthy conflict builds us.  Let’s approach conflict the right way and use it to our advantage.