Recently I’ve had the opportunity to re-read Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron
McMillan, and Al Switzler. It is a
fantastic book full of superb advice and strategies for becoming better at
high-stake conversations. Dissecting the
good information in the book could fill my blog for years. In fact if I was forced to give one complaint
about the book it would be that there is so much worthwhile information to
digest that it can be a little overwhelming for the reader. But with that being said, today I do want to
share what I believe to be one of the easiest and most effective strategies in
the book to help us have good results in our critical conversations with
others.
To be successful during our crucial conversations in life the book
suggests that we first ask ourselves three questions. These questions are (#1) what do I really
want for myself, (#2) what do I really want for others, and (#3) what do I
really want for our relationship. When
we honestly answer these three questions before bringing up a difficult or
sensitive conversation we prepare ourselves for what we really want. In the book “what we really want” in a
conversation is referred to as our “North Star”. This North Star can guide our words,
emotions, and actions as we bring up difficult and highly-charged topics.
Unfortunately, when stakes are high, normally strong emotions
follow. This causes nearly all of us to
revert to communication that is poor and unhealthy and we often end up either
competing with one another or simply giving in rather than collaborating
together to work out a mutually beneficial agreement. Too often our original goal or objective is
quickly replaced with another less worthy one that really only seems important in
the heat of the moment. Asking ourselves
these three questions first will give us that clear “North Star” which will
prevent us from going down unwanted paths and help direct us to our desired
objective.
Skilled communicators are able to remind themselves of their true goal
or “North Star” often. Doing this takes
practice and may not come naturally or easily at first. However, like most anything, with practice,
we can become skilled at communicating during important conversations. As we strive to keep our true goal in mind we
will find it easier and easier to avoid common pitfalls and unhealthy outcomes. The authors of the book point out that even
“a little progress can produce a lot of benefit” when having crucial
conversations.
Finally, one last follow-up question we can ask ourselves that may
help us when entering a crucial conversation or even when we are in the middle
of one is “how would I behave if I truly wanted my real objective?” If the
three questions aren’t helping us as much as we’d like, this fourth one may be
the key to getting us moving in the right direction. Sincerely answering this questions will help
us keep our emotions in check and our brain focused on good communication.
Communication
is so critical to our success and happiness in life. Anything we can do to improve our
communication skills is always worth the effort and using this simple strategy
of asking these three questions or maybe even the fourth, will pay great
dividends. As we use this simple
communication strategy in our lives we will become more skilled conversationalists
which will result in better outcomes and success in life.
“Every interaction we have with
our patient matters,” is a quote from Patients Comes Second by Paul Spiegelman and Britt Berrett
which I just recently finished reading.
I like this quote from this book and let me tell you why…
I believe everything we do does in fact matter. And I’m not referring to at work or when we
are with our customers as the quote that prompted this blog speaks to but I’m
meaning everything in life. Everything matters, period. Whether we are alone by ourselves watching tv,
on vacation enjoying the summer, at work, taking a walk around the block,
sitting on the subway or bus, driving to school, talking to a friend, eating
breakfast, eating ice-cream, surfing the internet, it doesn’t matter what we
are doing, it all matters—it is what defines us and who we are.
Now you may be thinking, this man has lost his mind, and I’m ok with
that because it may not be far from the truth but in this case I do want you to
know that what I am saying is true. Everything
matters because everything we do has an impact on us. It may be small, even minuscule most of the
time, but these “teeny tiny impacts” add up.
What we see, think, hear, do, read changes us. Again most of the time the change is so small
it is impossible to detect but everything has an influence on us for better or
for worse. It is impossible for any one
of us to avoid it.
Now the most common thought process is to believe that what we do at
any given moment doesn’t really matter much at all. We all justify what we do by telling
ourselves our thoughts don’t really influence us or what I’m saying or doing
right now really is inconsequential. We
kid ourselves in to believing there are really only a few things that truly
effect and shape who we are as a person and therefore most things don’t mean a
whole lot. Most of us continue down this
road most of our lives which means we let down our guard too often and fail to
optimize our time too often. We take it
easy, indulge in things we shouldn’t, harbor ill feelings, allow negative
thoughts to persist, eat unhealthy, talk bad about others, hold on to a pessimistic
attitude, waste our valuable time on meaningless things, and the list goes on
and on. The reality is little things
bring us down! And although most of us
don’t want to believe it, it is the truth.
For this reason, every moment of our life is important—every moment
matters! Even those seemingly
insignificant ones. In fact sometimes
the insignificant moments are the most crucial.
So what we choose at any given moment matters! Even doing nothing is a choice we make and
has an impact on us. Because of this, we
control our destiny because we control our choices and every choice no matter
how small, insignificant, mundane, or common matters. It all adds up to one great whole which is us—who
we are.
Now to be fair, it is impossible for any of us to make the best choice
all of the time. And with technology
today our options to choose from are so much greater than ever before. Though we aren’t perfect, nor ever will be
close, if we can remember, as often as possible, that every choice we makes and
every moment we live does matter, we can have a more rewarding, meaningful, and
successful life. We guide our ship to
where we want it to go. Every
interaction, every thought, every act, everything we do matters.
I recently finished reading a book with a fantastic title called Patients Come Second by Paul Spiegelman
and Britt Berrett. Now having worked in healthcare
primarily my entire career you may find it strange that I enjoy the book’s
title so much but the reason I do is because I agree with it whole
heartedly. In fact, I have tried to
practice it and encourage it throughout my career. Now you may be shocked. You may be saying to yourself what is this
guy talking about—he’s worked in healthcare leadership most of his career and he
agrees that patients come second!? How
can this be?!! Well hopefully your
reaction isn’t too negative and I can understand why it may be, however once
you come to understand what the title truly means, and how it impacts patients,
it probably isn’t what it seems at first glance. Please let me explain.
I’ve learned as a leader, and the authors have too, that when you take
care of employees and put them first, they nearly always “pay it forward” to
the customer or patient. Now because
this is true, this type of philosophy works and is the best way to provide
healthcare or any other type of care or service to a customer. When leaders of an organization realize it’s very
difficult for employees to provide great customer experiences when their
personal experiences with the organization are not great, everybody wins. Therefore as leaders focus on their employees
first, it translates in to the best patient experiences and outcomes.
Now having said this, many people will still find this theory to sound
strange, yet I know it works—and so do the authors of this book. So let me go a bit further in explaining. If as a leader I care about my people and
they know it, they will care more about the customer. If as a leader I take time to listen to and
address the problems and concerns of my team members and always assume the
best, they will be much more likely to do that for our customer. If as a leader I show interest in my employee
as an individual, they will likewise be much more likely to show interest in a
customer as an individual. If as a
leader I help my employees feel like a million bucks each day there is no doubt
in my mind it will make it much more likely that they will help others feel the
same way. Simply put, the better an
employee feels about the organization they work for, the better the chance is
that they will treat the organization’s customers well. For this reason patients second only makes
sense for when leaders put employees first, the employees almost automatically take
great care of the customer.
The theory behind this book’s philosophy is even applicable and true in
our normal, everyday lives as I think most of us would agree that it is hard to
treat others well when we ourselves feel mistreated.
Now this may sound like some type of leadership manipulation or a very
calculating business strategy—that leaders who invest and take care of their
employees are only doing it to increase the bottom line. Whether this is true or not doesn’t really
matter because taking care of others is not easily counterfeited. If a leader is not genuine and sincere when
caring for their employees, the team members will see right through it and it
won’t work. This book points out this
fact too and the entire premises of the title hinges on love for others. Good leaders love those who work with
them. When they show this genuine love
and concern to them, the team reciprocates this love and concern to the
customer and others they interact with. This
love cannot be faked. And this is what
the book is all about.
Having love for others, especially your team members first, is the
best way to be a successful leader and run an organization. I’m grateful for this book’s title and the
philosophy the authors espouse and promote.
Like the authors, I attest that when a leader lives this philosophy good
things will happen for all.
Click here
to see how I rated this book
