One Simple Communication Skill

Recently I’ve had the opportunity to re-read Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.  It is a fantastic book full of superb advice and strategies for becoming better at high-stake conversations.  Dissecting the good information in the book could fill my blog for years.  In fact if I was forced to give one complaint about the book it would be that there is so much worthwhile information to digest that it can be a little overwhelming for the reader.  But with that being said, today I do want to share what I believe to be one of the easiest and most effective strategies in the book to help us have good results in our critical conversations with others. 

To be successful during our crucial conversations in life the book suggests that we first ask ourselves three questions.  These questions are (#1) what do I really want for myself, (#2) what do I really want for others, and (#3) what do I really want for our relationship.  When we honestly answer these three questions before bringing up a difficult or sensitive conversation we prepare ourselves for what we really want.  In the book “what we really want” in a conversation is referred to as our “North Star”.  This North Star can guide our words, emotions, and actions as we bring up difficult and highly-charged topics.   

Unfortunately, when stakes are high, normally strong emotions follow.  This causes nearly all of us to revert to communication that is poor and unhealthy and we often end up either competing with one another or simply giving in rather than collaborating together to work out a mutually beneficial agreement.  Too often our original goal or objective is quickly replaced with another less worthy one that really only seems important in the heat of the moment.  Asking ourselves these three questions first will give us that clear “North Star” which will prevent us from going down unwanted paths and help direct us to our desired objective. 

Skilled communicators are able to remind themselves of their true goal or “North Star” often.  Doing this takes practice and may not come naturally or easily at first.  However, like most anything, with practice, we can become skilled at communicating during important conversations.  As we strive to keep our true goal in mind we will find it easier and easier to avoid common pitfalls and unhealthy outcomes.  The authors of the book point out that even “a little progress can produce a lot of benefit” when having crucial conversations. 

Finally, one last follow-up question we can ask ourselves that may help us when entering a crucial conversation or even when we are in the middle of one is “how would I behave if I truly wanted my real objective?”   If the three questions aren’t helping us as much as we’d like, this fourth one may be the key to getting us moving in the right direction.  Sincerely answering this questions will help us keep our emotions in check and our brain focused on good communication. 

Communication is so critical to our success and happiness in life.  Anything we can do to improve our communication skills is always worth the effort and using this simple strategy of asking these three questions or maybe even the fourth, will pay great dividends.  As we use this simple communication strategy in our lives we will become more skilled conversationalists which will result in better outcomes and success in life.