Becoming a Skilled Communicator - Clever Stories

Clever Stories are fictional stories we create in our minds often to try and understand the world around us.  We all tell ourselves clever stories every day and when we do, it often leads to trouble.  In fact, clever stories lead to much of the miscommunication, anger, problems, and heart-ache in the world.  The sad truth is, all of this could be avoided if we would only learn to ditch the clever stories we tell ourselves. 

This idea or principle is taught in the book Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. 

Now, let’s look at an example.  A friend of ours says to us “I think your daughter would benefit from tutoring.”  How do we react to such a comment?  What are we supposed to think? 

We may think well my friend thinks my daughter is dumb and that I am not a good mother.  We may think, how dare she say such a thing when her son is the one who was held back a grade and really needs the tutoring.  We may think, she is so insensitive, doesn’t she realize how hard I am working with my daughter.  Or we may think, really, this is just another way to bring me down after all I’ve been through lately. 

Whatever we tell ourselves or whatever assumptions we make about the comment is our clever story.  Rather than trying to understand the true intent of what the person is meaning or where they are coming from, we create clever stories that build unnecessary wedges in our relationships.  Perhaps the truth in this scenario is her son who was struggling really benefited from tutoring and enjoyed it.  She thought your daughter would enjoy it too and felt it might simply be another way for your exceptional daughter, who she believes is capable of getting in to Harvard, to have another leg up in her learning.  Unfortunately, because of the clever stories we tell ourselves, we never find out the truth. 

Let’s give another simple example.  Let’s say our boss at work says to us “I need your report by 4pm today because last week I didn’t get it until after 5.”  I’m sure you can imagine the clever stories that we can tell ourselves after hearing this comment.  The truth is however that we really don’t know why our boss made the comment until we seek understanding.  Rather than jumping to conclusions and making assumptions we should try to find out what the true intent and meaning was behind our boss’ comment.        

Can you see how clever stories can cause problems…and not just little ones?!  And unfortunately we all tell ourselves or create clever stories each day.  We create meaning and intent that only exists in our own mind.  Seems sort of crazy, doesn’t it.  No wonder there is so much miscommunication and frustration in our world.    

Now you may be saying, hey my clever stories are usually spot on.  If you think that is true you are honestly fooling yourself.  Even the best and most skilled among us can rarely decipher the intent, purpose, and meaning behind others comments consistently.  Instead, it takes the ability to free ourselves of clever stories in order to get to the true intent or meaning of what someone is saying.  The best at knowing the truth are those who do not use clever stories.  So, when we feel a clever story formulating we need to stop it and remain open to learning the truth or what the person is actually meaning or intending to mean by what they are saying.    

Now what if the intent really is malicious?  You may discover at times this is true.  But if you’ve remained cool and avoided telling yourself clever stories you will know that what you have is the truth rather than just assuming, judging, or jumping to incorrect conclusions.  In my experience I’ve learned 99% of the time the communicators intent is far different or less severe or malicious than the clever stories I end up telling myself.  For this reason I try to avoid them. 

This principle is an important and powerful one and will help us all as we strive to foster relationships with others.  If we can learn it and apply it, we will be leaps and bounds ahead of the majority of the population in our abilities to communicate and work with others.  And learning to communicate effectively is so key to our life’s success.  Let’s strive to eliminate our clever stories.