The Power of Adversity

“Our troubles have within them the potential to raise us up to greater heights than we can imagine.”
Al Weatherhead

Adversity—none of us are immune to it, and all of us will experience it throughout our lives. Thus, often how we react to and handle adversity determines our ability to be successful and happy in life. In his book, The Power of Adversity, Al Weatherhead, provides many ideas on how to overcome and effectively deal with adversity, whether large or small. The author also provides meaningful insight through personal stories on how we can tap into adversity's unique capacity to make us better people. Below are some of my favorite ideas (from the many ideas) found in the book.

#1 Positive Thinking is Imperative

We probably all know this or have been told this, but how many actually discipline themselves to do it?! One of the most powerful tools to effectively cope with and overcome adversity is our ability to think positively. Thinking positively gives us the vision to see beyond our current circumstances, and it produces the hope we will survive and be better because of it. When things are going bad, it is easy to get bogged down in disparaging thoughts, but remembering and disciplining ourselves to think positively will help us through tough times in miraculous ways.

#2 Put yourself First by Putting yourself Last

The author suggests when we put others first, we are actually putting ourselves first because of the many benefits we receive by doing so. Learning to serve others in times of our adversity helps us develop a clearer understanding and appreciation for what we do have and are blessed with. Helping others allows us to forget about our personal adversities and focus on others. Serving others also produces positive feelings within us, and it can bless our lives in multiple ways. Hence, putting others first is a powerful tool to help us overcome any sort of adversity we may be facing.

#3 It is Luckier to Earn than to Receive

With the right attitude, adversity allows us to enjoy victories and triumphs in life. If everything we ever wanted or needed was simply given to us, our joy in working towards and accomplishing our goals and dreams would be non-existent. Indeed we need to experience the pain to fully take pleasure in the joy. Imagine life without the happiness and satisfaction that comes from personal victories in life! Thus, it is luckier to earn than to receive, because earning forces us to struggle, learn, and grow; and then it endears us to those things we are able to achieve and overcome.

#4 Why not me?

Often when facing adversity we wallow in self-pity and ask “Why me?!” To successfully conquer adversity though, we should be asking “Why not me?” Doing so empowers and inspires us to overcome our challenges. Likewise, surely worse things have happened to other people and certainly there are people in the world who have it worse off than us--so why complain and question when it could be worse?! Why not be thankful for what we do have? Why not say “why not me?”, and then put all our effort toward turning our adversity into a positive catalyst to self-improvement. Taking this attitude will help us overcome the bitterness and depression adversity can bring.

#5 Attitude is Everything

Adversity has the ability to be a blessing as much as a curse. Our mental attitude will determine the difference. If we view adversity as an opportunity to learn and grow, then adversity will bless our lives. Indeed, the author states “the number one factor in learning to deal with and master your adversity is your attitude.” Thus our ability to view adversity as an opportunity to succeed rather than a problem to simply deal with will often determine our success in leveraging adversity to our advantage.

Remembering these tips and learning others from the book, The Power of Adversity, will help us excel when facing adversity in our lives.

See how I ranked this book

Own Your Life!

“As human beings, we are responsible for our own lives. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions.”
Stephen R. Covey

One of the unique qualities of successful people is the ability to accept ownership in all situations. This quality is rare, because it goes against our natural tendency to avoid “looking bad” in the eyes of others. As humans, we hate receiving any type of scrutiny or blame. In fact, we often like to give the impression that we are perfect. Because of this, we go to great measures to hide our mistakes, faults, and weaknesses. This is certainly holds true for me. I’ve learned time and time again though, that failing to take ownership for our lives prohibits us from realizing our full potential and from being truly successful and happy.

When we take ownership and responsibility for our results, relationships, success, happiness, life, (everything), we empower ourselves to do great things and be in charge of our own destiny. In fact, living life like an owner rather than a victim reduces stress, worry, and fear. Taking responsibility is liberating as we no longer are controlled by outside influences.

On the other hand, if we don’t act like an owner in all we do, we spend our time searching for who or what we can blame our lack of results, success, happiness, etc. on. I’ve seen in my life that searching for “scapegoats” and justifications can become a full-time, time consuming, over-whelming, and life-long career. In fact, many people expend much more time and energy explaining themselves or being reactive than they do working towards success and being proactive.

Instead of being in denial that we are not to blame for any sort of failure in our life, we must take full responsibility…in every situation! If a relationship is broken in my life, it’s my fault, if work isn’t going well, it’s my fault, if life isn’t as enjoyable as I’d hoped, it’s my fault and only I have the power to change it! Blaming others for failures in my life is unproductive, fruitless, and a waste of time.

Now, I’m sure many are thinking “but it is not my fault,” and to a certain extent, that may be true. Certainly it takes two to have a great relationship but still, we share the blame for any failure we are even partially involved in. For example, our nations economy is struggling, is that my fault? Well as a citizen taking ownership, I must own up to my part of the meltdown. Certainly I didn’t stay completely in tune with poor legislation being past by our elected officials, nor did I stand up against it. I didn’t attend any political rallies for candidates who I felt would help our economy, and I didn’t send any letters to the editor about my concern of the way our government was heading. I probably was not completely wise on how I spent my money, and I certainly didn’t take time to talk to my friends and neighbors about the importance of saving for a rainy day and staying out of excessive debt. In the end, there is a lot I did or didn’t do that somehow contributed to our nation’s current economic state. I am to blame! Now imagine what would be the result if each of us (including politicians) took responsibility for the meltdown rather than wasting away the days by blaming others!

Learning to hold ourselves accountable is not easy. It is a daily ongoing process for me, and I still often get caught up in the “blame game.” When I do, I notice how unhappy I am. Playing the victim is never helpful or fun! Through my experiences, I’ve realized that though it appears to be easier to blame others and justify my actions today, in the long-run, I am only hindering and hurting myself. Indeed, we set ourselves up for failure when we don’t take full responsibility for every aspect of our lives.

So, it’s time to be the owner of our lives! If life isn’t what we hoped for, only we have the power to change that. Taking full responsibility for all we are involved in results in liberty, happiness, and success. Just try being an owner for a day, and see how life changes!

Three Habits of Successful People

“Becoming successful is a process that never ends.”
Rick Pitino

Today I wish to go back to some of my “bread and butter”--simply as a reminder to us of how we can reach our potential and be successful in life. Each of these items have been discussed several times in previous blogs on this site throughout the years, but I believe they are so critical to successful living that it is worth repeating over and over again. Today...here are three tips to becoming more successful.

#1 Vision

“Little plans have no power to stir your blood.” Robert K. Cooper

What is your plan in life? What are your life-long goals? What do you hope to accomplish? Where would you like to be in 10 years, 20 years, and 50 years from now? To reach our desired destination, we must have a vision. Without vision, we will wander through life and eventually realize we never accomplished much and only reached a small part of our full potential. Becoming a visionary person is easier said than done as it takes time and discipline. However, a vision is necessary to stir our blood, to motivate us, to help us be focused and purpose driven throughout our life. A vision propels us to stretch ourselves, to work hard, and to enjoy life. I cannot repeat enough that success in life begins with the end in mind. It begins with vision.

#2 Action

"I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor."
Henry David Thoreau

Action leads to success. Without it, we fail. Even having a vision without action is pointless. Often people do not take action because they are uncertain or afraid. The best step to take when facing these feelings is to act. As is often stated, a journey of a thousand miles begins with one first step. If we never take that first step, then we will never get anywhere. Doing something, even if it happens to be the wrong thing, is better than doing nothing at all. Action leads to success while inaction leads to disappointment and failure.

#3 Attitude

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal. Nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong attitude.”
Thomas Jefferson

Attitude is everything, literally. Without the right attitude, we will not get very far in life. And the great news is that the only person who has the ability to determine your attitude is you! No one else controls it. More and more it is becoming easier for people to play the role of a victim, to say they are helpless—controlled by their environment—not having the ability to be happy and positive because of things outside of them. This simply is not true. We must stop being victims and begin to see all the possibilities and blessings that surround us. As one of my former supervisors used to say, “Remember, you have the power to make this day and everyday a great day.” This is so true, and it is all determined by our attitude!

These three things, though simple, will enable us to be successful in life. Remember to have vision, take action, and maintain a good attitude. If we are able to do these three things alone, everything else will fall into place.

What Got You Here Won't Get You There

“What Got You Here Won’t Get You There” by Marshall Goldsmith is an interesting book about how changing even little behaviors or habits can make all the difference in becoming an even more successful person. The book is written specifically to those who have already been successful in life and who are seeking to be even better. The book offers many insightful strategies that can help just about anyone become a more successful leader and person. Let me share a few…

Seek Bad News

The whole premise of Goldsmith’s book is based on the importance of obtaining feedback. Without feedback from others, we can never improve. The book highlights who and how to obtain feedback, and it argues if we aren’t continually seeking feedback, then we aren’t trying to get better. Contrary to human nature, leaders who want to improve, seek bad news about themselves so that they know what to change. And according to Goldsmith, “you are better off finding out the truth than being in denial.”

Apologize, Advertise, and Follow-up

Once feedback is received, the critical formula to being better is to apologize, advertise, and follow-up. First, apologizing for your poor performance allows you to build trust and respect from those you lead. Indeed, the power of apologizing is one of the most important lessons expounded upon in this book. Next, advertise to others you are going to do all you can to make improvements and encourage them to help you. Without sharing and advertising that you are trying, most people won’t notice. Therefore, helping others to see your efforts and progress and inviting them to help you improve, gives you the opportunity to show your efforts and prove you are sincere and committed to personal improvement. Finally, “follow-up” by seeking feedback again to see if others have detected the changes you have made. Without measuring your progress, you will never know for sure if improvements have been made. Following this simple pattern will help us to become better leaders not only in our own eyes, but also in the eyes of those we lead.

Simply Say Thank-you

The best way to respond to any feedback of any kind from anyone is “thank-you.” Any other response will discourage feedback, and it will reveal we are defensive. As soon as we respond defensively to feedback, the likelihood of getting honest feedback is greatly diminished. Thus, a simple thank-you proves we treat any form of feedback as a helpful gift (as we should). And those who truly want to improve need continual feedback. Thus all we need to express to any feedback we hear is plain gratitude.

Did I Try?

Finally, towards the end of the book, the author argues that a key to happiness and success in life is not actually accomplishing one’s dreams, but instead simply trying to accomplish one’s dreams. If we are not continually striving to be better and if we are not continually striving to reach our dreams, then what are we doing?! Surely without trying, life cannot be rich and fulfilling! Thus let’s honestly ask ourselves, are we trying?

“What Got You Hear Won’t Get You There” is a very good book on self-improvement. If we seek feedback, pursue the pattern of apologize, advertise, and follow-up, if we respond to feedback with gratitude, and if we sincerely put forth our best effort to accomplish our dreams, then we can only become more successful in life.

See how I ranked this book

The Indian Talking Stick

The last few days I’ve observed in my personal life as well as at work, destructive conflicts that continue to tear apart important relationships. The loss of happiness, productivity, joy, sleep, energy, and the amount of pain, hurt, stress, worry, and sadness, caused by these conflicts is unfathomable. And it does not only affect those involved, but it spreads to all those around! As I’ve observed these seemingly unsolvable conflicts I’ve wondered how two people of such capability and such intelligence arrive at such a point in an important relationship where neither side is willing to give in and give up the fight. The whole thing is a tragic waste, and contributes nothing positive to anything.

Like these personal examples, thousands of people are trapped in relationship battles and destructive conflicts that lead to only misery and stress. As I’ve observed these conflicts, I’ve thought about a very simple solution that is found in Stephen R. Covey’s book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People." In this book Covey outlines an easy method to overcoming any conflict called the Indian Talking Stick approach.

The Indian Talking Stick approach is a wise method to conflict resolution used by Indian chiefs and tribes for many many years. This approach was explained to Covey after he presented a seminar to a group of Indian chiefs. Covey thought the Indian Talking stick idea was so powerful that he continues to teach others about it.

The Indian Talking Stick approach is very simple and it is this; when two or more people meet together, only the person holding the “stick” can speak. The others are not allowed to say anything. They cannot agree or disagree, they cannot dispute or probe, they cannot give opinions or ask questions, they cannot say a word until the person holding the stick is done talking. Once the person feels he has shared all that he wants to share at that time, the stick is then passed. When the stick is passed, the person holding the stick must restate the other person’s points until that person feels he has been fully understood. Only when he or she feels their side has been fully understood, can the other person begin to explain his views, thoughts, opinions, and feelings. Then, the stick is handed back and the original holder of the stick must restate what the other person has said until he or she is satisfied that he or she has been understood. Only then can they add more at that time. This process goes back and forth until a resolution is met.

Following this method is not easy and takes commitment from both parties but doing so allows for tremendous results. The Indian talking stick approach is successful because it permits both parties to fully express their views and feel listened to and understood. And as Covey says, feeling understood is one of human beings greatest desires. This exercise is simple and it will help any two people overcome conflict!

Now many argue that taking such an approach requires too much time however, this idea could not be further from the truth. Though it may take a little bit of time in the beginning, the amount of time saved by resolving the conflict now instead of letting it continue for days, months, and years, is significant.

My fear is that this idea seems so simplistic and easy that people will not use it to reach resolutions. My hope is that when we are faced with difficult conflicts, that we take the time to use the Indian Talking Stick approach to find resolutions while encouraging others to do the same. I am resolved at this time to invite my family members who have been engaged in a bitter and deep conflict that has lasted for over twenty years to use this method. By doing this, we can save ourselves so much heartache, pain, and wasted time and energy. Rather than allow destructive conflict to drag down our lives and destroy us, let’s utilize this wise, old Indian method to conflict resolution!