The Indian Talking Stick

The last few days I’ve observed in my personal life as well as at work, destructive conflicts that continue to tear apart important relationships. The loss of happiness, productivity, joy, sleep, energy, and the amount of pain, hurt, stress, worry, and sadness, caused by these conflicts is unfathomable. And it does not only affect those involved, but it spreads to all those around! As I’ve observed these seemingly unsolvable conflicts I’ve wondered how two people of such capability and such intelligence arrive at such a point in an important relationship where neither side is willing to give in and give up the fight. The whole thing is a tragic waste, and contributes nothing positive to anything.

Like these personal examples, thousands of people are trapped in relationship battles and destructive conflicts that lead to only misery and stress. As I’ve observed these conflicts, I’ve thought about a very simple solution that is found in Stephen R. Covey’s book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People." In this book Covey outlines an easy method to overcoming any conflict called the Indian Talking Stick approach.

The Indian Talking Stick approach is a wise method to conflict resolution used by Indian chiefs and tribes for many many years. This approach was explained to Covey after he presented a seminar to a group of Indian chiefs. Covey thought the Indian Talking stick idea was so powerful that he continues to teach others about it.

The Indian Talking Stick approach is very simple and it is this; when two or more people meet together, only the person holding the “stick” can speak. The others are not allowed to say anything. They cannot agree or disagree, they cannot dispute or probe, they cannot give opinions or ask questions, they cannot say a word until the person holding the stick is done talking. Once the person feels he has shared all that he wants to share at that time, the stick is then passed. When the stick is passed, the person holding the stick must restate the other person’s points until that person feels he has been fully understood. Only when he or she feels their side has been fully understood, can the other person begin to explain his views, thoughts, opinions, and feelings. Then, the stick is handed back and the original holder of the stick must restate what the other person has said until he or she is satisfied that he or she has been understood. Only then can they add more at that time. This process goes back and forth until a resolution is met.

Following this method is not easy and takes commitment from both parties but doing so allows for tremendous results. The Indian talking stick approach is successful because it permits both parties to fully express their views and feel listened to and understood. And as Covey says, feeling understood is one of human beings greatest desires. This exercise is simple and it will help any two people overcome conflict!

Now many argue that taking such an approach requires too much time however, this idea could not be further from the truth. Though it may take a little bit of time in the beginning, the amount of time saved by resolving the conflict now instead of letting it continue for days, months, and years, is significant.

My fear is that this idea seems so simplistic and easy that people will not use it to reach resolutions. My hope is that when we are faced with difficult conflicts, that we take the time to use the Indian Talking Stick approach to find resolutions while encouraging others to do the same. I am resolved at this time to invite my family members who have been engaged in a bitter and deep conflict that has lasted for over twenty years to use this method. By doing this, we can save ourselves so much heartache, pain, and wasted time and energy. Rather than allow destructive conflict to drag down our lives and destroy us, let’s utilize this wise, old Indian method to conflict resolution!