A Values Driven Life

What are your values?  What is your personal value system?  Each one of us values things.  It can be seen in the way we behave, how we spend our time, what we choose to participate in and be a part of, and how we interact with others and the world around us.  Values anchor us and define who we are.  Establishing strong values makes us better more successful and satisfied people. 

Values are customs or ideals that we choose to regard and give worth or importance to.  If you feel your personal values are unclear, think about it for a moment, what do you personally value?  How do you spend your time, energy, money, thoughts?  What is important to you, what can you not live without, what do you live for?  As we write down our values we can begin to see if we value the right things. 

Sometimes our current values and what we want or hope to be our values are different.  Perhaps I may say I value family but while doing an honest self-assessment I notice I rarely spend time with my family or make sacrifices and adjustments in my schedule in order to be with them more.  As I realize this I can begin to question whether I really value family all that much.  Another example may be that I believe I value kindness but if while doing a self-assessment I realize I rarely go out of my way to be kind to others and that last week in the airport I didn’t let a frantic fellow traveler pass me in the security line because I felt it was their own fault for being late I may wonder if this is a true value of mine.  What we say our values are and what we actually value can be very different—and this can be seen in our daily choices and actions. 

Though not easy, changing what we value can happen.  The first step is recognizing that what we currently value is different than what we want to value.  Once we come to terms with this fact we can begin to make adjustments in our life that will help us get our values back in place.  If I truly want kindness to be part of my values system the next time I see a frantic fellow traveler I may willingly offer my place in the security line.  Or if I want family to be on top of my value system I may decide to turn my ipad off at night in order to spend real quality time with them. 

Identifying and living a values based life is important to successful leaders and people.  As we evaluate what we currently value and determine how we can place those values we want at the top, we will find greater satisfaction and success in life.                 

Easy Steps to Making Friends

Back to school time!  It’s that time of year again and this year one of our young sons is having trouble making friends.  Listening in on a conversation between my son and my wonderful wife about how to make friends is where the ideas for this blog were born.  The message was so simple yet powerful and I knew I needed to share it and I knew it would help me personally in my life.  Knowing how to build strong relationships in life is so important and critical to our success and happiness.  So below are my wife’s six easy steps to building relationships and establishing friendships as shared with our 6 year old. 

#1 Say Hello Using a Name

The first step or piece of advice is to always say hello and greet people using their name.  People like to hear their name and they like to feel like they are known.  Believe it or not, following this simple first step will make you a person who is very well-liked.    

#2 Say Something Nice

After you say hello and call the person by name, give them a compliment or at least say something positive.  Too often we overlook the good and only point out the bad.  Saying something nice such as “I like your shoes” or “Good job on that presentation yesterday” will build rapport.  If you can’t think of something nice to say then at least say something positive like “Wow what beautiful weather we are having today.”

#3  Don’t Say Mean Things

This seems obvious but way too many of us do this.  We should never say mean things about anyone, ever, period—even if others are doing it.  When we say something negative or mean about someone who is not around, other people will begin to wonder what we say about them when they are not around.  Being negative and talking bad about others never builds strong friendships or relationships. 

#4  Share

To be a good friend and build relationships we must be willing to share and compromise.  To help my son understand this concept my wife suggested that he do things he doesn’t particularly like to do at recess time if others wanted to do it and then perhaps suggest afterward they do something he’d like to do.  We really show we care when we do what others are interested in especially when we are not.  No one gets their way all of the time and no one has all of the right answers.  Being willing to share and compromise and even sacrifice what we want for others makes us good friends.    

#5 Don’t be Jealous

Comparing ourselves to others is easy to do and it often leads to bad feelings and jealousy.  Accepting the fact that we are all different and realizing we do have some talents too will help us be good friends and relationship builders.  If we are constantly comparing ourselves or if we are always upset by others accomplishments than the likelihood of others wanting to be our friends will greatly diminish. 

#6 Say Good-bye and Use a Name

Finally, similar to how we started, we should always say good-bye and use that person’s name.  Saying good bye rather than just sneaking off or leaving the situation allows us to acknowledge our interaction with that individual and builds camaraderie.        

Building relationships and being a good friend can be easy if we just follow a few steps that even a young child can learn and understand.  As we follow and utilize these simple steps from my incredible and amazing spouse we will become good relationship builders and establish strong friendships. 

Becoming a Skilled Communicator - Contrasting

Over the last two months or so I’ve shared a few communication skills found in the book Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.  I wish to share one more today and re-emphasize the importance of becoming a skilled communicator.  If we truly hope to maximize our potential in life and get the most out of it, we must constantly work on improving our ability to communicate with others. 

So let’s face it.  As people, we are pretty poor communicators and we are pretty sensitive to what others have to say.  Because of this, there is a lot of misunderstanding that leads to unnecessary heart-ache and problems.  One skill I feel is extremely valuable from the book Crucial Conversations is called contrasting which is designed to clear up misunderstandings.  Communicators who use contrasting help build safety and clarity in to a conversation and avoid hurt feelings and conflict that often result from misunderstandings. 

Contrasting is using a “don’t” then a “do” sentence to clarify your point or purpose behind what you may have already said.  A person using contrasting effectively first starts with what they “don’t” intend or mean and then follow it by explaining what they “do” intend or mean.  Let’s look at an example. 

Let’s say you just told one of your best employees that they did a report incorrectly and that they would need to fix it but the employee seems upset by the blunt way you presented this information.  As a good communicator, your realize it is time to use contrasting so you may say, “I don’t want you to think that I believe all of your work is bad or that I don’t value the contribution you make to the team.  Really just the opposite is true, you add so much value to our team and your work is amazing.  What I do want is to simply show you how to do this report properly so that it is always accurate.” 

Using contrasting is a powerful communication skill that can be used in all walks of our life whether at work, in our home, or anywhere else.  But what happens if after contrasting, the person you are speaking with is still upset?  Well, you use contrasting again and then again if necessary.  Until you feel the person fully understands your meaning or intent you can continue to use “don’t” then “do” statements.  Contrasting over and over simply allows you to further clarify what you mean.   

So, contrasting allows us to further explain ourselves and helps us get our point across without being offensive, insensitive, or overbearing.  The truth is all of us misinterpret what others have to say and we can all be a little too sensitive at times.  For this reason it benefits each of us to use effective communication skills.  And doing so helps us to become better leaders and better relationship builders.    

One last point on contrasting is the book teaches us that it is not apologizing, watering down a conversation, or taking back what we said.  There is no reason to sugar coat our point of view or change it for the sake of hurt feelings because doing so will not fix the issue and may potentially make things worse.  Instead, contrasting is simply adding more context and explaining what we have said.  Because of this, contrasting is a powerful skill used by the best communicators. 

Contrasting takes practice but is a very simple and effective tool.  As we continue to develop and improve our communication skills we will become better leaders and find more success and happiness in life.