Becoming a Skilled Communicator - Contrasting

Over the last two months or so I’ve shared a few communication skills found in the book Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.  I wish to share one more today and re-emphasize the importance of becoming a skilled communicator.  If we truly hope to maximize our potential in life and get the most out of it, we must constantly work on improving our ability to communicate with others. 

So let’s face it.  As people, we are pretty poor communicators and we are pretty sensitive to what others have to say.  Because of this, there is a lot of misunderstanding that leads to unnecessary heart-ache and problems.  One skill I feel is extremely valuable from the book Crucial Conversations is called contrasting which is designed to clear up misunderstandings.  Communicators who use contrasting help build safety and clarity in to a conversation and avoid hurt feelings and conflict that often result from misunderstandings. 

Contrasting is using a “don’t” then a “do” sentence to clarify your point or purpose behind what you may have already said.  A person using contrasting effectively first starts with what they “don’t” intend or mean and then follow it by explaining what they “do” intend or mean.  Let’s look at an example. 

Let’s say you just told one of your best employees that they did a report incorrectly and that they would need to fix it but the employee seems upset by the blunt way you presented this information.  As a good communicator, your realize it is time to use contrasting so you may say, “I don’t want you to think that I believe all of your work is bad or that I don’t value the contribution you make to the team.  Really just the opposite is true, you add so much value to our team and your work is amazing.  What I do want is to simply show you how to do this report properly so that it is always accurate.” 

Using contrasting is a powerful communication skill that can be used in all walks of our life whether at work, in our home, or anywhere else.  But what happens if after contrasting, the person you are speaking with is still upset?  Well, you use contrasting again and then again if necessary.  Until you feel the person fully understands your meaning or intent you can continue to use “don’t” then “do” statements.  Contrasting over and over simply allows you to further clarify what you mean.   

So, contrasting allows us to further explain ourselves and helps us get our point across without being offensive, insensitive, or overbearing.  The truth is all of us misinterpret what others have to say and we can all be a little too sensitive at times.  For this reason it benefits each of us to use effective communication skills.  And doing so helps us to become better leaders and better relationship builders.    

One last point on contrasting is the book teaches us that it is not apologizing, watering down a conversation, or taking back what we said.  There is no reason to sugar coat our point of view or change it for the sake of hurt feelings because doing so will not fix the issue and may potentially make things worse.  Instead, contrasting is simply adding more context and explaining what we have said.  Because of this, contrasting is a powerful skill used by the best communicators. 

Contrasting takes practice but is a very simple and effective tool.  As we continue to develop and improve our communication skills we will become better leaders and find more success and happiness in life.