Sustaining Success

One of the biggest challenges any team, organization, or individual can face is a great deal of success.  Though it seems strange, success is a huge test.  This is proven time and time again in our society.  Think about a young movie star or musician who seems to be doing fine until he or she really hits it big and then they seem to go off the deep end, or a company whose stock explodes only to be found struggling to keep their doors open a few years later, or look at the frequency of the winning Super bowl team failing to make even the playoffs the following year.  Why does this happen?   Why is it so hard to remain on top? 

Throughout my career, I have seen this cycle repeatedly happen as well at different levels.  Teams that achieve amazing results quickly dissolve or individuals who zoom up the “corporate ladder” somehow completely fall off of it.  In thinking about these situations I’ve asked myself, what is going on? 

I’ve come to the conclusion that the biggest reason for the eventual failure of the super successful boils down to a lack of humility.  Before they “arrive”, the team, organization, or individual seem to possess at least some sense of humility which fuels a self-sacrificing mentally that pushes them to be willingly to do whatever it takes to get to the top regardless of how simple, mundane, challenging, embarrassing, hard, demeaning, annoying, and undesirable it is.  Unfortunately, once they hit it big, things begin to change and it seems most lose the humility they once had.  They seem to completely lose an appreciation for their success and they fail to value or even recognize what got them there in the first place.  Humility is replaced with ego, and a self-sacrificing mentality with an entitlement mentality.  With this change in mindset it becomes easy to feel underappreciated.  Soon people begin looking out for only their own self-interest and individuals who once got along and functioned so well together begin to seek more and more credit for the success.  Rather than continuing to work hard a feeling of being owed the right to stay on top permeates.  All of this builds up and the absence of humility leads to the eventual collapse of the highly successful. 

So what can we learn from this?  We must learn that success will present unique and difficult challenges in our lives.  Therefore, when success comes knocking on our door we must remain true to what got us there and guard against the ego and entitlement mentality so many fall victim to.  We must keep our feelings and emotions in check and remain humble and grateful for our opportunities and blessings.  In order to remain on top, we must value the humility and sacrifice it took to get us there.  Handling success well can be done and building on the success we’ve achieved by remaining humble will be gratifying.  Merry Christmas!                 
               

Employees First, Customers Second

I love the title of a book I recently read called “Employees First, Customers Second” written by Vineet Nayar.  The reason I love it is because I’ve seen this philosophy yield great results in many different settings during my career.  And this book tells the story of how the author, as CEO of HCL Technologies (HCLT), helped change the success of his organization by employing strategies to live this philosophy. Though the book was different than I had anticipated and didn’t reach my high hopes based on the title, I still loved some of the ideas found in it which included increasing transparency, focusing on the need for constant change, and improving and creating innovative ways for communication.  But perhaps my favorite idea found in the book was how the author changed and enhanced the role of management. 

The traditional role of management has changed in the best organizations such as HCLT.  No longer does the boss yield all the power, get all of extra privileges and perks or hold all of the cards.  The author who was the former CEO of HCLT changed the way leadership was viewed in his organization and as a result, it was one major reason for the company’s eventual success. 

At HCLT, rather than employees being solely accountable to their boss, the organization made the bosses accountable to those they supervised.  In fact, if team members were unhappy with their supervisor’s performance, they were encouraged and provided innovative, constructive ways to share their views.  As you can imagine, those leaders who were not interested in doing all they could to help their people become successful, quickly left the organization.  

Additionally, HCLT made it known that people in supervisory roles were primarily responsible for serving and enabling those they managed rather than those they managed being there to serve them.  According to the author and his story, this put more value in what he refers to as the value zone which created greater results for the company.    

This idea, that the boss’ primary measure of success is based on the value he or she adds to those they supervise is brilliant.  I’ve seen the best organizations embrace and live this kind of management philosophy and would add that if we want to be great leaders, we must be willing to serve those we lead.  As the author explains, a leader’s primary role is in enabling and supporting rather than governing and controlling.  If we ourselves can embrace these ideas in our areas of responsibility, I know we will have greater success. 

I think every organization and every leader should espouse the Employee First, Customer Second philosophy, and this book provides insights and an example of how to do just that.     

To see how I rated this book, click here. 

Accurately Measuring Success

BurntHam Rewind:  Original Posted 4/18/13

Measuring success at first glance seems easy—we simply look at what someone has accomplished and determine if we believe that makes them worthy to be considered successful or not.  To me however, I believe this is a false or inaccurate measurement of success.  The reason is because many times achievements alone are not enough.  Many seemingly successful people in life who have accomplished many great things are actually miserable and unhappy.  And would we consider a miserable and unhappy person successful in life?  Therefore, to me, accomplishments alone cannot be a good measurement.  So then, how do we determine true success in life?  Let me tell you my thoughts. 

Our society teaches us that the successful person is one who has been recognized for their great accomplishments, and in turn has received many great accolades and respect.  True, in a certain way these people are successful.  But I believe there is even a more important way to truly measure success in life.  This measurement is not so much about what we do or what we accomplish, but is more about who we become.  To me, the real measurement of success is being a great person rather than simply being recognized for doing some great feat. 

Why is who we become a more important measurement of success in life?  Because in order for us to reach a full level of satisfaction and happiness in life, in order for us to be at peace with ourselves, we must become something and not just achieve something.  Those who “become” are happy regardless of what they achieve in the worlds eyes, while those who only “achieve” often are rarely happy at all. 

So what does it mean to become something?  To me it means we must change our nature.  Human nature is that we have an innate desire to fulfill our own needs and desires often without regard for others.  This attitude follows must of us throughout our life.  To actually become someone, we must find a way to overcome this and flip it on its head.  We must put off our “natural man” and become someone who truly loves, cares, and wants the best for others before our self.  This is not easy!  In fact, most can’t seem to do it totally because our natural tendencies are so strong.  But being this type of person—a person who puts others before self—is really what true success looks like.  This is the best way to measure success because those who “become” are the most happy and satisfied in life.        

So all of the awards, prizes, and accomplishments do mean something and are nice to receive but in the end, they will mean very little to us if we have not at the same time become a great person.  Being a great person brings joy and peace in life. Being a great person equals success.    

Change the World

“Gratitude—the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.”  Google Definitions

Gratitude is a powerful force that could change the world.  Imagine a world full of thankful and appreciative people.  A world where everyone could see all of their many blessing.  A world where people did not hesitate to return kindness.  Indeed, gratitude could change the world. 

Unfortunately, we have little control over the entire world.  We do have control over our own world however.  If we want to change our world, we simply need to be thankful.  If gratitude could change the world as a whole, there is no doubt it could change our own personal lives.  Being thankful changes everything for us.  That is the power of gratitude.

When you consider all that is going on in the world today it is easy to see we’ve lost our way in terms of being grateful.  Perhaps when we evaluate our own personal lives we can see that there is a lot of room for improvement in showing appreciation and being sincerely grateful.      

Let’s strive to be more grateful, more appreciative, more willing to see our blessings and focus on the good, and more quick to return kindness.  As we do our lives will improve.  Let’s commit to being more grateful this Holiday Season and always.  And may you and yours have a very Happy Thanksgiving!    

Change Life

So recently in a few of my last couple of blogs I’ve been focusing on becoming something that we are not and changing who we are in order to achieve greater success.  I’d like to continue on this topic for one more week because I believe it is a powerful concept and that if we truly embrace it and accept it, it will change our life. 

Regrettably I think most of us don’t get it.  Just the other day I was talking with a close friend who was very frustrated with how things were going for him in life.  He was frustrated with his work, he was frustrated with his family relationships, and he was frustrated that things were turning out for him as he had hoped.  When I asked him what he thought he needed to do to perhaps improve his current circumstances and outcomes, everything he told me had to do with something outside of himself.  He wanted things around him to change but it seemed to me that he did not want to change himself.  Unfortunately, what my friend failed to understand is that when we change ourselves, everything around us changes.

My friend is not unique in his ideas and thoughts as most of us tend to believe if things changed around us, life would be better.  Sadly we often tell ourselves ‘if our spouse would change, or if our boss would change, or if our neighbor would change, or if our school would change (etc.)…, then would we be happy, then we could be successful, then we could move forward, then things would be better for us (etc.).’  Rather than waiting for others or things around us to change, we need to refocus our efforts on changing ourselves because the only person we can control in life is ourselves.    

So though blaming unhappiness and a lack of success on things outside of ourselves is so common let’s avoid it because it only leads to stress, frustration, and sometimes even depression and hopelessness. If we decide our life’s success and happiness is solely based on things outside of ourselves, we are leaving our success and happiness completely up to chance.  

Rather than rely on the external world to change, we should instead begin to change ourselves from within.  After all, real change in our life begins with us—it always starts from within.  And only when change happens within can we progress toward real results and happiness.    

And that’s the key.  Our life results and happiness can only be blamed on one person and that is yours truly.  Let’s change ourselves and as we do, we will change the world around us for good.       

BEcome Successful! (Part 2)

“If you want to have more, you have to become more.  Success isn’t something you pursue or go after, it is something you become.  You attract success when you become the right person.  It’s not what you need to do but who you need to become.”   Jim Rohn

Today I want to elaborate a little bit more on the idea of becoming something that we may not currently be as mentioned in my blog 2 weeks ago.  I wrote that becoming something new starts with our thoughts—for how we think determines how we see the world and eventually how we make decisions and act. 

Becoming successful, or even something more, often begins with a paradigm shift.  I believe those who are truly successful see the world differently than others.  Where most see brick walls, insurmountable odds, difficult obstacles and impossibilities, the successful see something different—often something completely different.  They often see victory in the balance, the ability to defy the odds, or simply what it will be like on the other side of those brick walls.  Becoming something therefore simply begins with seeing the world and ourselves differently. 

Once we begin to see things different we take on a new perspective on life and its inherit risks and challenges.  Developing a fresh perspective in our mind of those things that surround us and our ability to control our outcomes changes what we can do and who we are.  (In my blog Life is Perspective I speak more to this and I encourage you to check it out).  Once we begin to change our perspective and how we view life, everything can begin to change for us, including our outcomes and results that lead to success.    

Our thoughts must also be centered on what I a call our personal mission.  What is your mission?!  What is the reason you wake up everyday?  Unfortunately most of us don’t have a personal mission so we wake up simply to go to work, earn a pay check, and maybe try to do something we enjoy like watching a favorite TV show or spending a little time with family or friends.  Many of us don’t really live with a purpose and we just sort of coast through life without a plan.  This can lead to drudgery and a lack of success.  Instead, we need to be on a mission everyday! 

I like to think of Mission Impossible where the objective and outcomes of the mission were clear.  It should be the same for us, our mission should be clear in our mind and we should think about it often.  What is it that motivates us every day and what do we want to do with our life?  Every day should be moving us one step closer to success because we know and understand our mission and purpose for the day so we naturally are moving toward it.  So, to become something new, we need to answer the question why, why do we wake up every day, what is our motivator, what is our personal mission? 

Once we have a mission we must also have a vision for the future.  Again our thoughts often reside in the here and now, the present.  Moment to moment we make decisions based on the moment rather than the future.  When we can focus on the future and what we eventually want to become or do, we can then begin to take steps to getting there.  Without a clear vision for the future again we will probably wander and go wherever life takes us.  So again we need to ask ourselves, where do we see ourselves in 5 years, 10 years, and 25 years?  Thinking about and having a vision of our future in our mind will help us to become successful. 

As we control our thoughts by shifting our perspective and focusing on our mission and vision we will become something we are currently not.  Becoming something rather than only doing something will lead us to true success.  It’s time to BEcome successful!! 

Be The Best

“Anyone can say they want to be the best and most talk about wanting to be number one, but only a select few are willing to put forth the work and sacrifice required to get there.”  Tim Burningham

It is basketball season and I love basketball.  All my life I’ve played and coached youth basketball teams and one thing I can guarantee is that just about every player I’ve played with or coached has said they wanted to be the best.  The problem is that saying it is the easy part.  Putting forth the work and effort to actually do it is a whole other ball game. 

So why don’t we do it?  Why don’t we make the sacrifices necessary to be the best when we all say we want to be?  To me, I think for the most part when we say we want to be the best we often are being genuine and sincere in that moment.   What I believe happens though is that we lack a true commitment, and the discipline to get there over time.  We want to be the best at that moment without considering all it will entail.  Once we fully assess what it will take to get there, we falter.  So normally our desire to be the best is conditioned on the amount of work and effort and time it will actually require of us. 

Throughout my years in sports I’ve seen great athletes who had incredible potential to be really good but they squander their talent because they aren’t willing to work hard and put forth the effort required to maximize their talents.  This is disheartening and even frustrating to me but often I think about how most of us do this in some way.  Though it may not be athletic abilities each of us have talents that we squander.  We fail to live up to the true potential of our abilities because we don’t want to work at it.  I’ve learned that this practice just seems to be plain and simple human nature.      

So believe me, I know it is hard to be the best but I think each of us can do more than we are.  Just yesterday I woke up early in the morning while traveling in Dallas.  It was still dark outside and it was pouring down rain.  It was my morning to go out for a run.  I had planned on it all week, and had recommitted to doing it in my head the night before.  But now actually facing the task I had a million excuses of why I shouldn’t go:  it was raining, it was cold, I didn’t want to have wet clothes and shoes traveling home later that evening, it was dark, I wasn’t familiar with the area, I’d probably have time in the evening to do it instead, etc.  But to be honest, believe it or not, with basketball season upon us my competitive juices kicked in and my thoughts changed.  I couldn’t help but think to myself, don’t I want to be the best I can be, don’t I want to be number one, how many others were staying home listening to the excuses inside their heads, didn’t I want to be different, isn’t this exactly what I was hoping my young athletes would do that I was coaching this season, wouldn’t I want them to push themselves and go out in the rain?  I know I got a few stares from others as I entered the hotel lobby soaking wet after my run in the pouring rain but I felt great!  

So at the beginning of this basketball season I’m making a commitment today to you that I’m going to be the absolute best I can be and not let anything stop me.  I’m going to push myself to be the best in all that I do.  I encourage you to join me and do the same.  Let’s do this together!    

BEcome Successful!

“If you want to have more, you have to become more.  Success isn’t something you pursue or go after, it is something you become.  You attract success when you become the right person.  It’s not what you need to do but who you need to become.”   Jim Rohn

Normally in life when we want to accomplish a goal our first inclination is to consider how do I do it, or what are the necessary steps to accomplish the goal?  Though this is a very logical thought process it may not be the best one in order to help us in accomplishing our goals. 

Simply doing is often not enough.  All of us can do a lot of things but doing is only part of the answer and albeit sometimes the less important part.  The true test of character and desire for achievement comes through becoming.  In accomplishing a goal, rather than simply asking what do I need to do, we must also ask who do I need to become? 

When we become something that we once were not, we change the world around us.  Rather than simply doing, and thus relying on the external world around us, by changing ourselves we focus inward and those things that are within our control.  When we change ourselves first we can then begin to change our outcomes.  Therefore success is not only about doing, but it is also about becoming.

So how do we become something we are not?  I believe it starts first and foremost with our thoughts.  How we think often determines our decisions, actions, and who we are.  When we think clearly and correctly toward what we want to accomplish we can only then begin to really pursue it.  Our thoughts have a powerful impact on who we are and what we are able to achieve. 

Hard work alone is not always the answer but hard work combined with disciplined thought.  There have been times in my life when I’ve simply attempted to do rather than become and I’ve failed.  Becoming someone new rather than simply doing something new I believe would have made all the difference.      

Success is obtainable by all.  Rather than only contemplate what we have to do to accomplish a goal, let us also consider who we have to become.  When we become the right person, success will follow.         

The Three Signs of a Miserable Job

I recently finished re-reading The Three Signs of a Miserable Job by Patrick Lencioni and it continues to be one of my most favorite leadership books.  The reason?  Because the book offers simple advice for leaders that works!  And any leader who sincerely strives to live even one of the 3 principles found in the book will find improved results and success as a leader.  So let’s go through the signs real quick.    

The first sign a leader must eliminate is immeasurement.  We all like to be measured or in some way know if we are being successful or not.  Imagine a Superbowl where no score is kept, how interested would everyone be in such an event?  The same is true for those we lead—we all want and need a scoreboard!  If we want people to engage, rally around our cause, and be an active participant in getting results, there must be some form of measuring stick that they themselves have a direct impact on.  Without it, life is miserable. 

The next sign is irrevelance—people are wired with a desire to make a difference and as leaders, we must help them see how they are doing just that.  No matter how small the task or assignment, each person impacts and influences somebody.  As leaders, we must point that out to them and help them know how their specific assignment and work really matters to someone.

The final sign is anonymity or a feeling of being unknown.  Again as human beings we like to be known, especially by those who lead us.  If we are to effectively lead we must get to know those we lead on a personal level.  When we truly know people; their interests, families, likes/dislikes, what motivates them, etc. it shows we really care about them as an individual and our ability to influence increases significantly. 

Not only does the book give great advice but it is also very easy and entertaining to read.  And the other amazing thing is that anyone can do it!  Anyone can eliminate the 3 signs if they want to.  I love this book and encourage all leaders everywhere to read it and work hard to eliminate the 3 Signs for those they lead. 

One of the Most Effective Leadership Tools

One of the most effective leadership tools that is available to each of us but is probably underutilized and rarely thought about is consistency.  Establishing a level of predictability and stability for those we lead goes a long way in enabling them to perform at their highest levels. 

We live in a world that is constantly changing and chaotic.  This is one reason why fear and a lack of initiative often plague our society.  Rather than dare to take a chance, people grasp to find at least some level of stability and comfort.  This need for stability and comfort can be fulfilled by a good leader.  Good leaders understand they can help those they lead feel safe by being consistent and dependable in their actions and behaviors even when everything else around them is chaotic and unpredictable.  These feelings of safety produced by consistency leads to higher moral and confidence.            

A lack of consistency leads to feelings of uneasiness and uncertainty which leads to unnecessary stress, worry, and inefficiencies.  If as leaders, we want our people to perform at their best, we must be consistent.  How we think, how we make decisions, how we react day in and day out to challenges and successes will create a level of expectation among those we lead forming a healthy level of stability. 

Consistent leaders open the doors to ingenuity, empowerment, and hard work.  People who work with consistent leaders experience a level of freedom that others do not enjoy because expectations and standards are clearer.  An inconsistent leader often unknowingly creates a restrictive environment where people are unsure about what they should or shouldn’t do.  This results in low productivity, satisfaction, and results.  It also leads to frustration from the both the leader and those they lead.

I’ve learned, in my experience, that consistency is one of the most powerful and effective tools for leaders.  Being consistent takes effort and discipline but when we are consistent, great things follow.  I’ve seen the most successful leaders, whether they realize it or not, are consistent and consistency=results.  So, have the discipline to establish a level of consistency for all those you lead.

It's On You!

This past weekend I attended a conference that had over 30 speakers with a wide variety of backgrounds, expertise, speaking styles, and topics.  The conference was something I had been looking forward to for some time and it was amazing, uplifting, enlightening, and everything I had hoped for.  And although there were many different subjects presented throughout the event, one central idea resonated in my mind as I heard it repeated (or at least the general idea repeated) over and over again by different presenters.  This central “theme” of this great conference for me was “It’s on you!” 

What does this mean, "It’s on you?"  As the speakers suggested over and over again it means our success, happiness, satisfaction, and results in life is on us—and no one else.  We have the power within us to control our own lives.  We are the masters of our ship.  We can’t blame our mistakes, unhappiness, or short-comings on anyone else, we are responsible.

If we are unhappy with how things are, where we are at in life, or with what we are doing, it is on us.  No one else has as much power or potential to change and impact our lives than us.  Indeed, our supreme creator has given each of us the gift of choice and with that comes responsibility and accountability.  If we are not satisfied with our current conditions than it is on us to change it.  We shouldn’t wait for someone or something else to come and fix things for us. 

This idea, that our happiness and success in life in on us is a powerful one. It empowers us, regardless of our circumstances, disadvantages, or situation, to make a difference and change the direction of our life.  It helps us avoid the wasted time and energy that is invested everyday by millions of others who shift blame and conjure up excuses.  It gives us confidence that we can rise above our current situation because we are not dependent on things outside of our control.  It helps us believe that we determine our own destiny. 

Everything changes when we take this level of ownership over our lives and face the fact that our results are truly on us.  Rather than play the victim we become the agent of our outcomes.  Life is too short to waste it away blaming other things or other people for our failures or lack of happiness.  The best leaders and the happiest people always remember and live with the understanding that our success is on us!      

Success Made Simple

“Successful people are willing to do things unsuccessful people are not.” Unknown 

The secret to success is simple.  Success is born, made, and achieved by doing the simple things in life. 

From the outside, we often see success almost as something that happens overnight.  We mistakenly credit it to a big decision, luck, or a onetime event and act as if it is suddenly achieved or earned all at once.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  Success is born in the small things that happen every day.  Simple disciplines practiced consistently each day lead us down the road that eventually results in the big accomplishment or astounding feat.  We need to always remember though that it is the simple things we do day in and day out that truly makes us successful.

Sadly, what is easy to do is also easy not do.  We do not give enough credit nor value the easy things and so we neglect and fail to do them.  Reviewing our goals daily and taking daily actions to achieve them, meditating, spending time with our family, hugging our spouse, controlling our thoughts, prioritizing our activities, planning our day, taking some time each day to learn, study and invest in our own development, all of these are simple practices that can lead to success.  Too often we are sporadic at best at doing these simple disciplines and then we never achieve the success we hope for and wonder why.       

What happens when we are not consistent in doing the simple things in life that lead to success?  Job loss, bankruptcy, disappointment, divorce, mediocrity, regret, just to name a few.  As you can see little things matter a lot! 

So, success is built on our simple daily decisions.  Small habits everyday are powerful and have a tremendous impact on our life.  Therefore, we must do the simple things!  Because most people fail to do the simple things every day they are forced to deal with hard things. Let’s not be one of them, let’s choose today to do the simple things that lead to success in life.

A Values Driven Life

What are your values?  What is your personal value system?  Each one of us values things.  It can be seen in the way we behave, how we spend our time, what we choose to participate in and be a part of, and how we interact with others and the world around us.  Values anchor us and define who we are.  Establishing strong values makes us better more successful and satisfied people. 

Values are customs or ideals that we choose to regard and give worth or importance to.  If you feel your personal values are unclear, think about it for a moment, what do you personally value?  How do you spend your time, energy, money, thoughts?  What is important to you, what can you not live without, what do you live for?  As we write down our values we can begin to see if we value the right things. 

Sometimes our current values and what we want or hope to be our values are different.  Perhaps I may say I value family but while doing an honest self-assessment I notice I rarely spend time with my family or make sacrifices and adjustments in my schedule in order to be with them more.  As I realize this I can begin to question whether I really value family all that much.  Another example may be that I believe I value kindness but if while doing a self-assessment I realize I rarely go out of my way to be kind to others and that last week in the airport I didn’t let a frantic fellow traveler pass me in the security line because I felt it was their own fault for being late I may wonder if this is a true value of mine.  What we say our values are and what we actually value can be very different—and this can be seen in our daily choices and actions. 

Though not easy, changing what we value can happen.  The first step is recognizing that what we currently value is different than what we want to value.  Once we come to terms with this fact we can begin to make adjustments in our life that will help us get our values back in place.  If I truly want kindness to be part of my values system the next time I see a frantic fellow traveler I may willingly offer my place in the security line.  Or if I want family to be on top of my value system I may decide to turn my ipad off at night in order to spend real quality time with them. 

Identifying and living a values based life is important to successful leaders and people.  As we evaluate what we currently value and determine how we can place those values we want at the top, we will find greater satisfaction and success in life.                 

Easy Steps to Making Friends

Back to school time!  It’s that time of year again and this year one of our young sons is having trouble making friends.  Listening in on a conversation between my son and my wonderful wife about how to make friends is where the ideas for this blog were born.  The message was so simple yet powerful and I knew I needed to share it and I knew it would help me personally in my life.  Knowing how to build strong relationships in life is so important and critical to our success and happiness.  So below are my wife’s six easy steps to building relationships and establishing friendships as shared with our 6 year old. 

#1 Say Hello Using a Name

The first step or piece of advice is to always say hello and greet people using their name.  People like to hear their name and they like to feel like they are known.  Believe it or not, following this simple first step will make you a person who is very well-liked.    

#2 Say Something Nice

After you say hello and call the person by name, give them a compliment or at least say something positive.  Too often we overlook the good and only point out the bad.  Saying something nice such as “I like your shoes” or “Good job on that presentation yesterday” will build rapport.  If you can’t think of something nice to say then at least say something positive like “Wow what beautiful weather we are having today.”

#3  Don’t Say Mean Things

This seems obvious but way too many of us do this.  We should never say mean things about anyone, ever, period—even if others are doing it.  When we say something negative or mean about someone who is not around, other people will begin to wonder what we say about them when they are not around.  Being negative and talking bad about others never builds strong friendships or relationships. 

#4  Share

To be a good friend and build relationships we must be willing to share and compromise.  To help my son understand this concept my wife suggested that he do things he doesn’t particularly like to do at recess time if others wanted to do it and then perhaps suggest afterward they do something he’d like to do.  We really show we care when we do what others are interested in especially when we are not.  No one gets their way all of the time and no one has all of the right answers.  Being willing to share and compromise and even sacrifice what we want for others makes us good friends.    

#5 Don’t be Jealous

Comparing ourselves to others is easy to do and it often leads to bad feelings and jealousy.  Accepting the fact that we are all different and realizing we do have some talents too will help us be good friends and relationship builders.  If we are constantly comparing ourselves or if we are always upset by others accomplishments than the likelihood of others wanting to be our friends will greatly diminish. 

#6 Say Good-bye and Use a Name

Finally, similar to how we started, we should always say good-bye and use that person’s name.  Saying good bye rather than just sneaking off or leaving the situation allows us to acknowledge our interaction with that individual and builds camaraderie.        

Building relationships and being a good friend can be easy if we just follow a few steps that even a young child can learn and understand.  As we follow and utilize these simple steps from my incredible and amazing spouse we will become good relationship builders and establish strong friendships. 

Becoming a Skilled Communicator - Contrasting

Over the last two months or so I’ve shared a few communication skills found in the book Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.  I wish to share one more today and re-emphasize the importance of becoming a skilled communicator.  If we truly hope to maximize our potential in life and get the most out of it, we must constantly work on improving our ability to communicate with others. 

So let’s face it.  As people, we are pretty poor communicators and we are pretty sensitive to what others have to say.  Because of this, there is a lot of misunderstanding that leads to unnecessary heart-ache and problems.  One skill I feel is extremely valuable from the book Crucial Conversations is called contrasting which is designed to clear up misunderstandings.  Communicators who use contrasting help build safety and clarity in to a conversation and avoid hurt feelings and conflict that often result from misunderstandings. 

Contrasting is using a “don’t” then a “do” sentence to clarify your point or purpose behind what you may have already said.  A person using contrasting effectively first starts with what they “don’t” intend or mean and then follow it by explaining what they “do” intend or mean.  Let’s look at an example. 

Let’s say you just told one of your best employees that they did a report incorrectly and that they would need to fix it but the employee seems upset by the blunt way you presented this information.  As a good communicator, your realize it is time to use contrasting so you may say, “I don’t want you to think that I believe all of your work is bad or that I don’t value the contribution you make to the team.  Really just the opposite is true, you add so much value to our team and your work is amazing.  What I do want is to simply show you how to do this report properly so that it is always accurate.” 

Using contrasting is a powerful communication skill that can be used in all walks of our life whether at work, in our home, or anywhere else.  But what happens if after contrasting, the person you are speaking with is still upset?  Well, you use contrasting again and then again if necessary.  Until you feel the person fully understands your meaning or intent you can continue to use “don’t” then “do” statements.  Contrasting over and over simply allows you to further clarify what you mean.   

So, contrasting allows us to further explain ourselves and helps us get our point across without being offensive, insensitive, or overbearing.  The truth is all of us misinterpret what others have to say and we can all be a little too sensitive at times.  For this reason it benefits each of us to use effective communication skills.  And doing so helps us to become better leaders and better relationship builders.    

One last point on contrasting is the book teaches us that it is not apologizing, watering down a conversation, or taking back what we said.  There is no reason to sugar coat our point of view or change it for the sake of hurt feelings because doing so will not fix the issue and may potentially make things worse.  Instead, contrasting is simply adding more context and explaining what we have said.  Because of this, contrasting is a powerful skill used by the best communicators. 

Contrasting takes practice but is a very simple and effective tool.  As we continue to develop and improve our communication skills we will become better leaders and find more success and happiness in life.

Achieving Greater Results in Life

This is a Burntham Rewind: Orginally posted 9/20/12

How much of the time we spend during our day contributes to our success in life?  How much of what we do really helps us?  According to the Pareto Principle, 20% of what we do gives us 80% of our results.  What does this mean?  It means we could be doing so much more to maximize our time.  It means we could be achieving much greater results in life. 

In today’s world it is time for us to be efficient.  The economy is slow, the world is flat, and competition is fierce.  Therefore, for us to succeed in life, we must spend our time most often on those things that produce results.  For us to be successful, we don’t have the leeway we perhaps once enjoyed in times past to not take advantage of every moment of our day.  Much like businesses today, as individuals we must “cut the fat” out of how we spend our time and make sure we are focusing on those things that help us get results and those things that matter most.

So how do we know what 20% of our time is helping us achieve 80% of our results in life?  This is a good question and I believe if we are truly honest with ourselves, we probably have a pretty good idea.  For the most part, time spent watching TV or movies, playing video games, surfing the internet, or perusing social media sights is probably time not very well spent.  As a society, I worry we spend too much time doing these things, and by so doing we rob ourselves of the opportunities that surround us.  It is time for us to invest in ourselves, to take control of our lives, to be disciplined, and spend our time in making us better.  It is time we give ourselves the chance to succeed by doing what we know will help us achieve results. 

So how are you spending your time?  If we are a Pareto Principle statistic meaning 80% of our results are coming from 20% of our time, then we are not doing good enough!   We can do better, we owe it to ourselves!!  Each day is a blessing and an opportunity to be better.  Break the Pareto Principle trend and find ways to invest more time in those activities that lead to success.  It won’t always be easy, but I believe it will be well worth it when all is said and done.

Dealing with Challenges and Carrying a Load

I recently heard a story spoken by David A. Bednar about a man who drove his truck in to the woods to cut firewood.  As he drove further and further in to the mountains he eventually became stuck in the deep snow.  Despite his efforts, he could not free his vehicle from being stuck so without much else to do, he began to cut firewood.  After loading the back of his truck with firewood he again decided to give it one last try to free the stuck car.  To his surprise, the tires got traction and he was able to get back on the road and eventually arrived home safely.

This story illustrate some important points that can be helpful when applying it to our lives.  First, it was the load in the back of the truck that provided the traction to get back on the road and return home.  Often times in life we are faced with struggles and challenges that represent our load in the back of our trucks.  Though difficult as they may seem, they can help shape us and guide us as a person.  This load can provide the traction we need to stay the course and continue on the path that will lead us to success in life. 

Second, without the load the truck was stuck.  Likewise, without challenges and difficulties we can be stuck in life.  It is often the most difficult things in life that help build our character and make us strong.  Whether we want it or are ready for it or not, each of us will have to face challenges.  Without difficulties we would never be able to test our character, challenge our beliefs, and overcome difficulties.  We’d never be able to move forward and become the person we are capable of becoming.  The difficulties we face prevent us from getting stuck and each of us will inevitably have to carry a load.

Third, when the man was stuck, he went to work.  He moved forward with his plan and took action.  He choose to do something.  Likewise, when we feel stuck we just need to believe in ourselves and move forward.  By doing so we will eventually encounter the load we need to help us gain traction and move down the road to our goals. 

Finally, the load can steer us in the right direction.  Sometimes our priorities and desires in life get hijacked by unimportant things.  The load can often provide the awakening and prospective we need to put our life back on track, our priorities back in order, and our focus on what we really want out of life.  Without the load we’d often be stuck like the truck or even be driving down dead ends.  Our challenges help us stay centered on what really matters and is most important.    

In conclusion, life is hard.  Its unpredictable and unexpected challenges can rock us and cause us to want to give up or give in.  However if we change our perspective and remember this story, we can view our challenges as our greatest blessings.  Believing that our load will give us the traction and perspective we need to get home will help propel us toward satisfaction and success in life.        

Becoming a Skilled Communicator - Clever Stories

Clever Stories are fictional stories we create in our minds often to try and understand the world around us.  We all tell ourselves clever stories every day and when we do, it often leads to trouble.  In fact, clever stories lead to much of the miscommunication, anger, problems, and heart-ache in the world.  The sad truth is, all of this could be avoided if we would only learn to ditch the clever stories we tell ourselves. 

This idea or principle is taught in the book Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. 

Now, let’s look at an example.  A friend of ours says to us “I think your daughter would benefit from tutoring.”  How do we react to such a comment?  What are we supposed to think? 

We may think well my friend thinks my daughter is dumb and that I am not a good mother.  We may think, how dare she say such a thing when her son is the one who was held back a grade and really needs the tutoring.  We may think, she is so insensitive, doesn’t she realize how hard I am working with my daughter.  Or we may think, really, this is just another way to bring me down after all I’ve been through lately. 

Whatever we tell ourselves or whatever assumptions we make about the comment is our clever story.  Rather than trying to understand the true intent of what the person is meaning or where they are coming from, we create clever stories that build unnecessary wedges in our relationships.  Perhaps the truth in this scenario is her son who was struggling really benefited from tutoring and enjoyed it.  She thought your daughter would enjoy it too and felt it might simply be another way for your exceptional daughter, who she believes is capable of getting in to Harvard, to have another leg up in her learning.  Unfortunately, because of the clever stories we tell ourselves, we never find out the truth. 

Let’s give another simple example.  Let’s say our boss at work says to us “I need your report by 4pm today because last week I didn’t get it until after 5.”  I’m sure you can imagine the clever stories that we can tell ourselves after hearing this comment.  The truth is however that we really don’t know why our boss made the comment until we seek understanding.  Rather than jumping to conclusions and making assumptions we should try to find out what the true intent and meaning was behind our boss’ comment.        

Can you see how clever stories can cause problems…and not just little ones?!  And unfortunately we all tell ourselves or create clever stories each day.  We create meaning and intent that only exists in our own mind.  Seems sort of crazy, doesn’t it.  No wonder there is so much miscommunication and frustration in our world.    

Now you may be saying, hey my clever stories are usually spot on.  If you think that is true you are honestly fooling yourself.  Even the best and most skilled among us can rarely decipher the intent, purpose, and meaning behind others comments consistently.  Instead, it takes the ability to free ourselves of clever stories in order to get to the true intent or meaning of what someone is saying.  The best at knowing the truth are those who do not use clever stories.  So, when we feel a clever story formulating we need to stop it and remain open to learning the truth or what the person is actually meaning or intending to mean by what they are saying.    

Now what if the intent really is malicious?  You may discover at times this is true.  But if you’ve remained cool and avoided telling yourself clever stories you will know that what you have is the truth rather than just assuming, judging, or jumping to incorrect conclusions.  In my experience I’ve learned 99% of the time the communicators intent is far different or less severe or malicious than the clever stories I end up telling myself.  For this reason I try to avoid them. 

This principle is an important and powerful one and will help us all as we strive to foster relationships with others.  If we can learn it and apply it, we will be leaps and bounds ahead of the majority of the population in our abilities to communicate and work with others.  And learning to communicate effectively is so key to our life’s success.  Let’s strive to eliminate our clever stories.      

An Unexpected Trait Great Leaders Possess

I recently heard an intriguing TED talk by Brene Brown.  Her speech was on vulnerability.  Though I won’t even attempt to dab into all of the research and meaning she provides, I do think some of her points are interesting and worth sharing in terms of helping us to become more capable, more successful leaders. 

So vulnerability….  Traditionally we probably would never list vulnerability as an important characteristic of a leader.  However after listening to the TED talk and thinking about the great leaders I know, I want to suggest that the greatest leaders, the most successful leaders are vulnerable.

To me vulnerability means someone who is not perfect and willing to let it show and be known.  They have the courage to be who they really are at all times.  The let both the good and the bad show.  Vulnerable leaders do not possess a “know-it-all” attitude but instead willingly admit they need help and support from others to achieve their goals.  For most of us, this idea of vulnerability probably sounds so counterintuitive to what we traditionally believe how a good leader should be yet showing this willingness to be authentic eliminates the façade and ego that so often creates an impenetrable chasm between leaders and those they lead.  And this chasm or disconnection prevents leaders and teams from gaining the highest levels of success.      

As the TED speaker suggests, what vulnerability will do for a leader is it will allow them to truly connect with those they lead.  When leaders make a true connection, they establish a relationship of trust which in turn creates a high level of commitment, support, and loyalty through a deep sense of belonging.  Vulnerability essentially puts leaders on an even playing field with those they lead which empowers followers to uphold and support the leader’s vision wholeheartedly—as it quickly becomes their vision.

To me, vulnerability is much like the humility we read about in Jim Collins book Good to Great which Level 5 leaders possess.  Leaders that have this unique level of humility or this willingness to be vulnerable are uncommon yet it often is the key to truly becoming a great leader.   

Perhaps the best result from a leader being vulnerable is that it encourages others to be vulnerable as well which further enhances teamwork, connection, camaraderie, and belonging among the group.  When a team is vulnerable with one another it removes huge common roadblocks to success such as blame, fear, egos, and distrust.      

Vulnerable leaders give their team the gift of connection which in turn gives the team meaning, security, and purpose.  As we strive to be the best leaders we can be, we will see vulnerability as an asset that will enhance our leadership capabilities rather than the opposite.  I believe there is power in vulnerability that cannot be found in any other way and the greatest leaders and team builders find a way to tap in to this power in order to achieve unimaginable even historic results.              

One Simple Communication Skill

Recently I’ve had the opportunity to re-read Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.  It is a fantastic book full of superb advice and strategies for becoming better at high-stake conversations.  Dissecting the good information in the book could fill my blog for years.  In fact if I was forced to give one complaint about the book it would be that there is so much worthwhile information to digest that it can be a little overwhelming for the reader.  But with that being said, today I do want to share what I believe to be one of the easiest and most effective strategies in the book to help us have good results in our critical conversations with others. 

To be successful during our crucial conversations in life the book suggests that we first ask ourselves three questions.  These questions are (#1) what do I really want for myself, (#2) what do I really want for others, and (#3) what do I really want for our relationship.  When we honestly answer these three questions before bringing up a difficult or sensitive conversation we prepare ourselves for what we really want.  In the book “what we really want” in a conversation is referred to as our “North Star”.  This North Star can guide our words, emotions, and actions as we bring up difficult and highly-charged topics.   

Unfortunately, when stakes are high, normally strong emotions follow.  This causes nearly all of us to revert to communication that is poor and unhealthy and we often end up either competing with one another or simply giving in rather than collaborating together to work out a mutually beneficial agreement.  Too often our original goal or objective is quickly replaced with another less worthy one that really only seems important in the heat of the moment.  Asking ourselves these three questions first will give us that clear “North Star” which will prevent us from going down unwanted paths and help direct us to our desired objective. 

Skilled communicators are able to remind themselves of their true goal or “North Star” often.  Doing this takes practice and may not come naturally or easily at first.  However, like most anything, with practice, we can become skilled at communicating during important conversations.  As we strive to keep our true goal in mind we will find it easier and easier to avoid common pitfalls and unhealthy outcomes.  The authors of the book point out that even “a little progress can produce a lot of benefit” when having crucial conversations. 

Finally, one last follow-up question we can ask ourselves that may help us when entering a crucial conversation or even when we are in the middle of one is “how would I behave if I truly wanted my real objective?”   If the three questions aren’t helping us as much as we’d like, this fourth one may be the key to getting us moving in the right direction.  Sincerely answering this questions will help us keep our emotions in check and our brain focused on good communication. 

Communication is so critical to our success and happiness in life.  Anything we can do to improve our communication skills is always worth the effort and using this simple strategy of asking these three questions or maybe even the fourth, will pay great dividends.  As we use this simple communication strategy in our lives we will become more skilled conversationalists which will result in better outcomes and success in life.